Managing emotions in relationships is a complex skill and a mark of maturity. Therefore, it is no surprise that children need coaching in order to develop greater control over their emotions in relationships. Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People provides a range of strategies and tools in order to develop interdependence and emotional maturity. ‘Every human has four endowments – self awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom. The power to choose, to respond, to change’ (Stephen Covey). The 7 Habits empower the individual to take control and be the master of their maturity. The 7 Habits have been adapted for children in a program called The Leader In Me (TLIM). This is is a wonderful platform for wellbeing and pastoral care programs in schools. In this post I outline two of the strategies taught in TLIM to support children develop emotional maturity.
The first habit of TLIM is to Be Proactive. This habit is based on the concept that life doesn’t just happen to you, it is designed by the choices that you make. We have the ability to choose success, courage and optimism. To be proactive we actively seek to take responsibility for our lives. Reactive people are affected by their physical environment and will blame circumstances for their behaviour.
Being proactive doesn’t mean that you are never influenced by internal or external stimuli. It just means that you are aware of surrounding circumstances, conditions and environment and choose a suitable response. There is great power in choosing how you respond to feelings and situations by becoming a response-able person.
In the habit Be Proactive Stephen Covey uses the metaphor to ‘carry your own weather’. ‘Proactive people can carry their own weather with them. Whether it rains or shines makes no difference to them’ (Stephen Covey). The metaphor illustrates how we can have the ability to choose our temperament, whether it is a storm cloud brewing over your head or beams of radiant sunshine. Reactive people will blame the weather, that is their circumstances or social environment. Where as proactive people will choose how they respond and control the weather.
I find this metaphor particularly helpful for students. I ask questions such as ‘What type of weather do you feel is hovering over you at the moment?’ or ‘How could you change the feeling of a storm cloud to sunshine?’ We can use proactive language to control our own weather, for example I can, I will or I prefer. Reactive language includes phrases such as I can’t, I have to, I was made to or if only. I encourage students to be proactive, by focusing their energy and emotions on what they control and change. By being proactive our students carry their own weather.
In Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits there is a transition between being independent to interdependent. Independence is the private victory, focusing on being the best version of yourself. Interdependence is the public victory, being effective in the way you interact with others. A key skill in this transition is building the ‘Emotional Bank Account’ (EBA). For students we refer to this skill as ‘Bucket Filling’. The metaphor describes the amount of trust that exists in relationships. Deposits in our EBA build and repair trust in relationships. Withdrawals from our EBA break down and lessen trust in relationships.
When using the EBA metaphor with students I ask them to think whether their actions are making withdrawals or deposits. Or to use the bucket filling language, are they filling up the bucket or emptying the bucket. A withdrawal might include breaking promises, being disloyal, holding grudges, showing unkindness, being proud or showing disrespect. A deposit might include keeping promises, apologising, forgiving, showing kindness, displaying courtesy and seeking first to understand others.
For younger students I ask ‘Are you doing things that add water to the bucket’ or ‘Is the bucket with your friend empty or full?’. For older students I ask questions such as ‘Are you making sincere and consistent deposits?’ and ‘What can you do to conscientiously avoid withdrawals?’ A deposit into someone’s EBA must be sincere and consistent. We need to be making lots of small deposits over a long period of time to build the EBA. To quote Stephen Covey ‘In relationships, the little things are the big things’.
Question for you: What tools do you to use with your students to help them manage their emotions and relationships with others?
