Bonsai Children – Part 2

In  last post I wrote about authoritative parenting and teaching based on Judith Locke’s ‘The Bonsai Child’. Locke is a clinical psychologist and former teacher who specialises in parenting and child wellbeing. Bonsai is an ancient Asian art of cultivating miniature trees. Bonsai trees rely upon their owner’s protection. They are delicate and small, therefore require extreme protection. Whilst bonsai plants are beautiful, they can’t survive outside. They can only exist in a sheltered environment. Locke describes how we have a tendency to treat our children like bonsai plants. However, trimming difficult circumstances and protecting from failure can limit children’s capacity to reach their full potential.

Locke suggests that bonsai children exhibit a range of issues such as low resilience, anxiety, dependence on others, poor behaviour and limited life skills. Heightened help for children can communicate that they lack the ability to confront difficulties on their own. An overemphasis on emotion can also cultivate bonsai children. We need to be careful that children don’t develop the false assumption that they must be happy all the time.

Locke boldly proclaims that ‘trees need wind’. Bonsai children exist in protected conditions with the intention to cultivate contentment and prosperity. A gust of wind to a bonsai plant can be incredibly damaging. However, wind helps trees to grow. Wind encourages trees to develop stronger and deeper roots as well as developing flexible and sturdy trunks and branches. It is incredibly beneficial for children to face adversity and conflict in order to develop greater strength, resilience, flexibility and confidence.

Confidence:

Confidence is the belief in yourself which gives greater strength to cope with adversity. Confident children do not rely on other’s responses or require constant praise. Strategies include:

• Healthy and loving relationships
• Quality time, but not always quantity time
• Praising effort rather than achievement
• Calm and predictable responses to poor choices

Self Regulation:

This is the ability to choose constructive and appropriate behaviours, particularly when faced with opposition or disappointment. Strategies include:

• Persistence and consistency with boundaries
• Remaining as the adult in charge
• Setting and upholding rules and routines
• Building delayed gratification as children mature
• Using statements not questions e.g. ‘You need to do homework now’
• Getting calmer, not louder if children defy you

Step Back So They Step Up:

Help children develop responsibility and maturity by gradually encouraging them to become more independent. Strategies include:

• Developing children’s organisation skills
• Encouraging self-sufficiency
• Helping children make a plan for risky situations
• Linking rights to responsibilities

Develop Resilience:

The capacity to bounce back from adversity is assisted by confidence from loved ones. But it is primarily developed through facing challenges and learning to cope. Strategies include:

• Allowing children to experience all emotions, including difficult ones
• Listening and empathising when children experiences difficulty, but not removing or overcompensating for the adversity
• Encouraging children to problem solve, rather than giving them the solution

Question for you: How do you help children develop confidence, self regulation, resilience and the ability to step up?